Our Pastors sent us this beautiful Gardenia and planter last month. It’s so beautiful and fits in perfectly in the garden house. This second loss has been tough in different ways. It’s not a small thing when your church family leans into relationship in the tough seasons. Miscarriage is sometimes a topic that is not welcomed by others. It’s not pretty, it’s not smooth, and in my case not always fast to move through physically.

As you may know, we lost Jacqueline at almost 19 weeks in March last year. After 8 hours of labor, I gave birth to her and we were able to spend time with her even though she was stillborn. This recent loss is totally different experience in the first trimester. It was emotionally exhausting to wait on my body to start the miscarriage process to say the least. It was the weirdest limbo I’ve found myself in yet. I believe this baby to be in heaven and yet, I was still carrying him into the new year. The hardest part about a second trimester loss in my opinion, was meeting my daughter. The hardest part about this first trimester loss was not meeting this child. The grief is different. Those of us who have endured before know that God always has a purpose for the waiting, not just in the promise or healing itself.

In the past, God has spoken the promises of children and given their names. I have struggled with this loss because The Holy Spirit was never silent with Jacqueline. This time, I heard to read the book of Ezra several weeks before I got pregnant. After that, all I heard was do not fear. It required a lot more effort in regards to faith with this second pregnancy. I didn’t feel a lot of fear but I was dreading moving into the second trimester because that is when the threat of incompetent cervix would be an issue. When we found out at the 10 week mark that we lost this baby at around 7 weeks 6 days, we were shocked to say the least. I started to wonder if this was the second name he gave us, “Did I hear you right?” I prayed as I opened the gift from my pastors.

After I put the beautiful gift our pastors sent in its new spot in the garden house that day, I closed my eyes to pray and God showed me a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes smiling and waving. This was exactly who God said would come after Jacqueline, our sweet boy Ezra.

***UPDATE: 2023***

I think the toughest thing about hearing promises from God is that we have to be careful of the picture we create in our minds. At the time of writing this, in my mind, these two losses were part of God’s promises of children. In reality, they weren’t part of the promise. It isn’t that these two babies don’t matter; when God promises children, he’s promising living children. I know Jacqueline and Ezra are with Jesus. While they were not part of the promised children, they have done their part as God is preparing us for His promises to come to pass.