I feel like time is moving rapidly. Today is Levi’s due date, April 1^st, 2024. Did we really go through all of that in December and it’s already April?

Goodness.

I really believe that in order to tell you of all the miraculous things God was and is doing through Levi’s brief time here, I need to start from the beginning.

While Levi was our 3rd pregnancy loss in 4 years, I feel like I need to break down the timeline so you can understand the season we’ve been in. In 2019, we were pregnant with our first baby, Jacqueline. That pregnancy with Jacqueline ended with my water breaking at 18 weeks, 5 days.  At that time, doctors believed I had a condition called incompetent cervix (cervical insufficiency) that may have caused my water to break. She was considered a late miscarriage and I delivered her stillborn on March 18^th, 2020.

 After losing Jacqueline, I was considered high risk for future pregnancies and protocols were put into place for future pregnancies. At the time, starting vaginal progesterone and progesterone injections, along with a surgical stitch called a cerclage at around 13 weeks gestation was the protocol. Eight months later, we found out I was pregnant again with our son Ezra, but unfortunately we lost him early at 7 weeks, 6 days. Since we had the initial appointment in November, we didn’t find out we had lost him until the 10th week mark; this is called a missed miscarriage and it really sucks. We found out right before Christmas of 2020 that we lost Ezra but I didn’t experience the miscarriage until January of 2021. Unfortunately, losing Ezra became very dangerous because I lost too much blood and needed an emergency D&C.

In other words, my body couldn’t completely remove him and unless a doctor was to go in and surgically remove the baby, my uterus would continue to produce large blood clots in a response to the incomplete miscarriage. Miscarriage in general can be life-threatening but if it turns into an incomplete miscarriage, it can become deadly if not treated by a surgeon. Losing Ezra was the closest I’ve come to dying and if I ever have to go through another early loss and get to choose between being induced in the office or surgery, I’ll choose the surgery without hesitation. It may be more expensive but it’s a safer option. The medical term for an early miscarriage is called a spontaneous abortion. While I know it’s just a medical term for my body ending the pregnancy, I hated seeing that on my medical chart.

By the time year 2022 rolls around, Micah and I had walked through losing 2 babies together. Unexpectedly, each loss brought us closer in different ways. I’ve learned to completely depend on him and he’s learned how to care for and comfort me. It’s mind-blowing how God has intertwined our hearts through all of this and somehow, we’ve come out stronger both in our relationship with each other and spiritually with God.

It’s interesting, while I’ve heard the Holy Spirit speak many times before we lost Jacqueline,  I’ve never experienced God like that ever before when my water broke with her. That was an intense encounter with God that I’ll never forget. I don’t think I’ll ever shake the memory of God’s warmth and protection throughout that whole ordeal. Let’s face it, losing Jacqueline changed me forever. I know without a doubt that with each loss, something in me has been crucified and the resurrection that has taken place through birthing babies is transformative.

I have to wonder, is this what Paul is talking about in the new testament regarding women and childbearing?

Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

1 Timothy 2:15

Nevertheless, I remember with Ezra I was flooded with terror in the short time I was pregnant with him and nothing I did to eliminate the fear worked. I prayed and rebuked the panic and anxiety but it remained with me the entire time I was pregnant with him. After everything we went through with Jacqueline, I had no idea the fear was sitting in my body just waiting to be released in the next pregnancy. I remember I heard God say, “Do not fear,” and I desperately tried not to let the fear in or let it affect me but I couldn’t do anything about it. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to spiritually combat that type of fear and torment at that time.

Since then, the Holy Spirit has showed me how to confront fear that resides in the body whether it is a trauma response or a biological cause (like panic from overactive thyroid in pregnancy for example). Sometimes I wish I could go back with what I now know but that’s the whole point of going through those tough moments isn’t it? I’m reminded of the scripture that talks about our ability to comfort others because we ourselves were comforted.

He always comes alongside us to comfort us in every suffering so that we can come alongside those who are in any painful trial. We can bring them this same comfort that God has poured out upon us.

2 Corinthians 1:4-5

Throughout these years, I’ve come to understand that through it all, we live and we learn and without suffering through it, we wouldn’t know how to comfort someone else walking through a similar situation too. This truth doesn’t take away the pain of losing babies, but there’s something about this particular club of suffering – if you haven’t walked out pregnancy loss, it’s impossible to fully grasp the gravity and facets of it all.

Overall, I feel like the biggest lesson I’ve learned from miscarrying Ezra was to resolve in myself to give our children back to God. Whether they live or die, they belong to God. Fear has no hold on us in pregnancy when we relinquish control over to Jesus. It’s critical to understand that promises of children from God do not guarantee that we will not experience pregnancy losses. In fact, hearing promises of children may indicate there is a huge battle on the children that are coming forth. I’ve learned that’s what pregnancy loss tends to indicate in spirit filled couples. God gives children prophetic destinies and the war on those children is very real. There is no passivity when it comes to being a Christian in the Kingdom of God.

The enemy wants us to believe the tragedy of our circumstances, forget who we are, and give up. God wants us to remember whose we are, have faith, and step in obedience in partnering with Him as His word comes to pass; it’s a choice we each have to make as we move through every season with Jesus.

As we’ve walked this out with Jesus, I’ve learned that it’s not about believing that we’ll never have another loss. Rather, it’s my husband and me resolving in our hearts that we trust God and no matter how many times we have to go through this, we know God’s word will come to pass. What He’s called us to do, He’s graced us to move through, with the Holy Spirit leading the way.

But I digress.

In the midst of Micah and me walking out these losses, we continued to wholeheartedly pour ourselves into giving, serving, worshipping, and praying at our church. Submitting to the church we’re called and assigned us to function in was the best decision of our lives. We were not alone in walking this out and I cannot express the blessing of our pastors and church home enough!

In the earlier part of 2022, we were invited to leadership meetings at our church.  Although we weren’t leading a team, program, or function our pastors felt that we were carrying weight spiritually. It was a huge honor to be invited and gain a deeper understanding of what takes place in the inner workings of our church. It was also incredibly humbling to be invited in to participate in the leadership meeting with no title or anything.

It turns out that God had more plans for us than we could have ever expected from attending those meetings.