This is week two of Spiritual Lies and Truths we experience after Pregnancy Loss. I’ve continued sharing daily videos on Tiktok, Instagram, and Facebook regarding pregnancy loss as part of the series I’m doing for Pregnancy loss awareness month. For each day of the month I address spiritual lies we can begin to believe after miscarriage or stillbirth and where God’s truth is located within them. So far I have shared 16 out of 31 days; this past week I covered the following 8 topics:
- The lie that processing negative feelings or emotions after pregnancy loss is a lack of faith
- The lie that motherhood is our highest calling
- The lie that rushing grief by TTC will take away the pain of previous losses
- The lie that pregnancy loss is a reflection on our faith
- The lie that God won’t heal us
- The lie that we all have the same experience and feelings after pregnancy loss
- The lie that this tough season will not end
- The lie that we can’t ask God to reveal who our child was
If you would like to see these videos every day, I invite you to click on the links on the side of this page to follow me on Tik Tok, Instagram, or Facebook. I also invite you to follow me on YouTube where I will be sharing a compilation of all the TikToks as well as going into more detail in separate videos. Let’s go through each lie and look at where the truth is all of this.
The lie that allowing ourselves to process negative feelings or emotions after pregnancy loss is a lack of faith
Having negative feelings and emotions after pregnancy loss does not denote a lack of faith in and of itself. It can be easy to try to minimize your pain by looking at others who have it worse off but that’s not actually processing your emotions. While there is nothing wrong with getting perspective on what just happened, it tends to cause us to avoid feeling heavy sorrow and anguish. If we don’t release this pain, our mind and body hold onto it until we release it. This means if left unchecked buried deep down, our feelings and emotions develop into an unmanageable heap of eruptive pain. We will no longer be able to manage and regulate our emotions and experience emotional outbursts or develop certain types of anxiety and depression among other consequences. This looks different for each person and is a truth that affects everyone, not just those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss.
As we grieve it’s better to face how you feel and allow yourself to sit in those emotions and thoughts. Find what works best for you. For me, as soon as I could take walks outside, I did and felt so much better. The pain wasn’t gone, but just being outside did wonders for me and felt like refreshment. I also like to write down what I’m thinking and feeling as I grieve. I find that when I write it down, it doesn’t have much power over me. I can also look back at how I felt immediately after everything happened and see the progression of how God moved me from deep sorrow to finding his truth and joy in the little things. Simply writing down all the things I felt about losing our children in one column and writing what I knew to be true about God in the other gave me so much clarity in the moment. This is usually where we begin to see the differences in negative, fleeting emotions, and actual unbelief or lack of faith in what we understand about God. When God points out our unbelief, he’s wanting us to confront it and pull it out by the root. Everyone has unbelief that God will bring to our attention at some point and often it’s in the more devastating times, like miscarriage or stillbirth, when these things come out.
While uncomfortable and intimidating, negative thoughts and emotions need to be dealt with as soon as possible. In our society we often get a message of fake it till you make it. I say screw that and be honest about how you’re really feeling. God isn’t put off by our honesty or pain as we grieve and while it really sucks to go through this, the healing we need is in our waiting on God. It’s in the waiting of our grief that God draws closer than ever and shows us what it means to be comforted through it all.
The lie that motherhood is our highest calling
About a month after we lost our daughter, I decided to read the book of Luke. I remember reading in Luke 11 (NLT), and seeing the following verses:
27 As he was speaking, a woman in the crowd called out, “God bless your mother—the womb from which you came, and the breasts that nursed you!” 28 Jesus replied, “But even more blessed are all who hear the word of God and put it into practice.”Luke 11:27-28
It was hard to go back to reading the bible after losing Jacqueline, so I figured starting in Luke might be a good way to ease back into things. Man, I was not ready to read those verses. In my NLT study bible for women, it explained what Jesus meant by his reply to the woman who spoke highly of his mother. It brought me a lot of comfort to understand that Jesus was directing her and us, to understand how important it is to have our faith in him and God the Father as our foundation and identity first before motherhood or any other worldly title.
Somewhere along the way in our culture we were told the lie that motherhood is the most important title to have. What happens when you have fertility issues, or pregnancy loss? Did that affect your understanding of who God says you are? It’s so important to understand who you are and where your worth is located. Is your identity rooted in what you do or the titles you’ve earned? If our worth and identity is in being a mother first before trusting and responding to God’s call to action, we are setting ourselves up for failure.
We are not less valuable in God’s kingdom if our children pass away. We are not less valuable if we don’t have living children. If you think having the title of ‘mom’ will make you worthy or more important than others, it’s time to locate what you know to be true about God. We are called to first define ourselves as children of God. No identity is more important than that. It’s true that as a woman being a mother is a high calling, but serving God comes first.
The lie that rushing grief by TTC will take away the pain of previous losses
Trying to conceive (ttc) after pregnancy loss brings about its own challenges. Although everyone approaches ttc after miscarriage or stillbirth differently, in general allowing ourselves time to grieve the baby we just loss before trying for the next is a good idea.
At first we were all geared up to try quickly after losing our daughter but it became clear to me a bit later that I wasn’t ready. Spiritually, physically, and emotionally I was no where near ready. I was so glad we didn’t rush into ttc after losing her. We decided to pray and listen for God to tell us when.
I’ll go into more details later about how it all came together but for now I’ll share that the next pregnancy with our second child was very challenging. Although I had grieved and truly felt ready to follow God’s leading on timing, pregnancy after I was deemed high risk because of incompetent cervix was stressful. I found myself in another spiritual battle, a fight to not allow fear to creep in. It wasn’t easy and when we lost him in the first trimester, a whole new grieving process began. My advice is to give yourself time to grieve the loss of your baby before ttc. No amount of rushing the next child will take away the pain of losing the one before.
The lie that pregnancy loss is a reflection on our faith
After pregnancy loss we can start to question our faith, especially as we look back at the time we were pregnant. The lie that we lost our baby because we lacked faith or didn’t pray or read the Bible enough is tempting to believe.
The demonic stronghold of religion will whisper in your ear all the ways you could have believed or sought God more. This spirit wants you to believe you could have controlled the outcome somehow but this isn’t true. Lets remember that plenty of devout Christians experience miscarriage and stillbirth.
The truth is, we can be obedient to God, seeking him first in all we do and still lose our child. This isn’t a reflection of your faith any more than it is a reflection of mine. Through Jesus we have the authority to bind the spirit of religion-the lie that we could’ve controlled this outcome and loose God’s love, mercy, and eternal truth that he will rebuild, repair, revive, and restore us from losing our children.
I’m thankful we serve a God who still speaks. God can answer all your questions, but you will need to continually come boldly through Jesus. As you expectantly wait on God and continually seek Him, stay aware of the Holy Spirit; He might speak immediately when you’re praying or when you’re busy doing a mindless task such as laundry. God is always speaking, and we need to continually attune ourselves to hear his voice as we seek him.
The lie that God won’t heal us
Until God pointed out where I had some unbelief in regards to healing, I didn’t think I had a lack of faith in this area. When I was younger, I began to believe that miraculous healings happened for others but just not for me. Somehow, I got this message growing up and also didn’t know anyone personally who had been miraculously healed. I just couldn’t understand why some people received physical healing and others didn’t. We may never know the answer to that question, which is tough to accept.
Through healing me of endometriosis, God showed me what it meant to continually have hope no matter what we might be told about this chronic disease. Endo was the spark that fueled me to start fully believing in God’s goodness through it all. It wasn’t just about the healing itself, it was everything he revealed as I waited on him to guide me to healing. He chose to work through a specialist to help me, and I’m so thankful we serve a God who still speaks. He is not limited in how he heals us, how amazing is that? Endo and pregnancy loss are not the same of course, but the belief in healing needed for both is the same.
There’s really no shame when God shows us a tiny bit of unbelief we might be holding onto that we need to confront. The bits of our unbelief are revealed in the waiting and so are our bad attitudes, impatience, anger, etc. Be honest with yourself and give God space to adjust and readjust you as you continually seek him for healing and grieve. It’s normal to have periods where you’re battling waiting on him and others where you’re able to find joy.
Refresh your memory by staying in God’s word. I always love to visit the Gospels and remember that it’s our faith in Jesus that heals us. Acts and psalms are other great books to revisit for refreshment among many others. I feel like God was nudging me to share Psalms 147:3 for those who are seeking healing and need refreshment, myself included. I’m standing ready to receive a fresh outpouring of the oil of gladness and encourage those also seeking God’s healing to continue to pursue him and listen for the Holy Spirit.
He heals the wounds of every shattered heart.Psalms 147:3
The lie that we all have the same experience and feelings after pregnancy loss
Sometimes we try to relate to others by saying things like, “I know exactly how you feel” in regards to pregnancy loss. This just isn’t true. We haven’t all gone through the exact same thing when we experience a miscarriage or stillbirth. Every experience, loss, and spiritual battle might look the same on the outside, but it is unique and complex for each individual going through it.
There were stark differences in the late miscarriage and stillbirth of our daughter and the early miscarriage of our son. On one hand, it was excruciating in every way to give birth to our daughter and let her go after holding her. On the other hand, it was excruciating to lose our son early, never meet him, and experience a dangerous incomplete miscarriage. Both are losses, both valid in grief, but so very different from one another.
I think people mean well and only want to connect and show they care by saying these types of things. If you’ve done this, don’t feel bad because no one has a perfect response all the time. Maybe give someone the opportunity to share how they feel about their loss. You don’t need clever words or to shove bible verses at them, sometimes sitting with someone in silence is what they really need. Want to be there for someone you love after pregnancy loss but don’t know how? Let them know how you care for them and are ready to listen whenever they’re ready to talk. Ask them what they need. Some people have a type of empathy that allows them to know what others need without words, others don’t. When in doubt, reach out and ask.
And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.Job 2:12-13
The lie that this tough season will not end
It’s easy to believe the spiritual lie that this current season of pregnancy loss will never end. Know and remember the truth that every season passes, both good and bad. It may feel like nothing is happening but God is always working beyond what we can see in our circumstances. Waiting on God is never passive or unfruitful. What he reveals in the waiting is just as important as when he delivers us from a tough season. What are some spiritual revelations you’ve received as you waited on God in a season of loss?
The lie that we can’t ask God to reveal who our child was
It’s painful to have an early miscarriage and never meet that child. Thankfully we can come boldly before God to ask, “Who is the child you gave me?” I remember when we lost Ezra, I questioned if I heard God correctly when he spoke all the children’s names years ago. The only thing I was missing was the proof that I wanted or felt that I needed to know for sure that this was Ezra. I continued to seek God on if I heard him right, was this Ezra? What did Ezra look like? Who was he? Later that day I was in the garden house, tending to the new plant our pastors sent us as a condolence for Ezra and God began to show me who he was and what he looked like. God showed me a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes smiling and waving. This was exactly who God said would come after Jacqueline, our sweet boy Ezra.
Sometimes it’s funny when God chooses to start talking while I am focused on something else. There I was, minding my own business and he began talking. That’s kind of how it works a lot of the time with God though. We seek God on a thing and sometimes, he answers at the most unsuspecting time. This is why we need to stay in tune with the Holy Spirit and be sensitive to when the atmosphere shifts with His presence.
If you’ve been struggling with who the child that you lost was, don’t believe the lie that you’ll never know the answer. The truth is, you can continually seek God and wait on Him to respond.
I’d love to hear from you
Have you battled any of these spiritual lies after pregnancy loss? If so, share your experiences and how God brought you through it, or where you’re at in your walk with God.
As always I invite you to join this community to talk and share about pregnancy loss as well as chronic illness and conditions, our faith, church hurt, and our spiritual journey through it all. I’ll be sharing the weekly youtube videos soon, but you can subscribe directly to my channel here at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9x1-ZI1kIP9T4NXQ3ximBA.
I look forward to hearing from you, take care.