This isn’t an ordinary blog post about wedding vows. Don’t be fooled by the title. However, it is an accurate account of a morning that our vows were truly tested.
You know, when people describe marriage to people who have never been married, they talk about difficult times like fights about finances, sex, and other issues. You can read all of the best books and get all of the advice you want but ultimately, every marriage has its own set of problems. Now, it is assumed that the ‘in sickness and in health’ part of your vows are to be taken seriously (along with all the other vows) but you don’t really think you’ll be buying adult diapers anytime soon. Well, I’m here to tell you that you might be buying those adult diapers a little sooner than planned.
Allow me to explain….
It all started one morning around 8pm on a Friday night. It was mid-summer and I was planning on spending the day with my mom on Saturday. Micah and I ate Chinese for dinner and were very pleased with the food. We both have a bit of a sweet tooth and indulged into some chocolate chip cookies from Harris Teeter. By the way, if you haven’t had their cookies stop what you’re doing and go get some now! Anyway, Micah became sick later that night. I’m talking about vomiting + diarrhea at the same time. Lots of fun. He ended up being sick all throughout the night and it seemed to finally stop around midnight.
As we were getting ready for bed I moved a pile of his laundry on his side of the bed because he had neglected to put them away. Admittedly it was out of spite. Hey, I’m not perfect. As we slipped into bed, I asked Micah if he would put a towel underneath him in case something happened during the night. He refused and said that he would be fine and didn’t need a towel. When Micah is sick, he becomes very stubborn; Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I asked for that quality ;).
At 6am I was jolted awake by Micah knocking everything off of his nightstand, falling onto his clothes, and booking it to the bathroom. At first I couldn’t figure out what was happening with everything flying everywhere and I screamed, “Micah, are you okay??? What’s wrong?? Micah!?!” As he ran to the bathroom, I began to piece together what had happened….Yes ladies and gentlemen, my husband pooped in the bed. Oh and not just in the bed, but all over the freshly cleaned laundry on the floor.
Can you understand now why I may not be ready for a baby at this point in my life?
You see, when I threw his laundry on his side of the bed out of spite, I created an obstacle course for him to run through. Unfortunately, he lost his footing when he jolted out of bed because of the laundry. This also accounts for him hitting everything off the nightstand including the lamp and subsequently losing control over the rest of his bowels. I have seen diarrhea from pocket pets, kittens, cats, puppies, dogs, and babies – but never from a grown man.
There’s a first time for everything.
Without hesitation I completely stripped the bed of the sheets. Thank you, God! He didn’t get the mattress! I instantly turned on the washer to the proper settings…wait is there a OMG my husband sharted all over the bed and clothes option?? No? Okay, well I did the best I could. I was so thankful that we had the washer and dryer in the apartment instead of our 1st apartment where we had to use community washers and dryers. The horror. Thankfully, I was able to get most of the clothes and sheets in the washer by the time Micah was finished. There wasn’t any time to think about it. The thinking aspect came afterward, did that really just happen? Did I just clean up my husband’s diarrhea? What kind of life do I live where I clean up diarrhea without thinking about it? The clothes that were hit still have the stain from that fateful morning on them. The following night, I made Micah put the towel underneath him regardless of how ‘well’ he thought he was doing.
I wish I had saved the text message I sent to my mom at 6:30am that morning explaining that I would not be able to see her that day because Micah pooped in the bed – priceless. We still laugh about it. In fact, I’m not sure that I’ve laughed that hard before in my life! Did I forget to mention that Micah’s nickname online use to be king of poop. Yes that’s right, I married the king of poop and didn’t see this coming. Oh and just to be clear, don’t feel bad for Micah because I’m sharing this story with everyone. That day, he let everyone on facebook know what happened, he knows no shame.
There you have it; the day one of our vows was truly tested. When you marry someone, be sure that you are willing to clean up their poop when they can’t do it themselves – you never know when you’re going to be tested.